Some guy in a TV show said: “We are more than our mistakes.” A few years ago I made a terrible mistake, I did something really stupid, and today I am living with the consequences, physical consequences. I might die before I am thirty because of it. I have always supported the idea of living with the consequences of your actions, so it is not that I am complaining. I know that, to a certain extent, it is why I deserve. I say “to a certain extent” because I have always been a reasonable person. One day I decide to do something thinking it will have consequences, of course, but considering it a risk worth taking, or, actually, to be more specific, giving myself a chance to enjoy life a bit. Turns out that many people have made the same choice, irresponsibly, the same way I did (not because fun means irresponsibility, but because fun things can also be dangerous if you do not take the considerations needed) and they do not have to put up with the consequences I do. That seems unfair to me. It also seems childish, to me and everyone else I am sure, but childish or not it is still unfair.
Besides the physical consequences, there are the psychological ones. Regarding people other than myself, I have betrayed them. I have betrayed the image they had of me and I am still betraying the image of some others I also consider to be family, even though we are not blood related. Regarding me, I have of course betrayed myself as well. I am a traitor. That is what I think of myself right now. The worst part is that I will probably keep hurting people other than me in the future, both physically and psychologically. The very few people who know about this say I am only human, humans make mistakes. They would agree with that guy on TV which leads them to believe I am more than the piece of crap I know I am. How nefarious it is that people pretend to be something when they are exactly the opposite and how much worse it is that, even when are not pretending, nobody notices it.
I have tortured myself over the years because I have become one of those “pretenders.” As such I live with certain fear in my veins, but I also want to stop pretending. How am I supposed to do it if I have betrayed the people that could help me? How am I supposed to do it if the people that could help me decided not do it without noticing it? How can I complain about them not helping me when it is not their fault? How can I be more than my mistakes when I do nothing right?